Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*