Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
my favorite genre of twitter
This took me a second..
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
pelicons
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I need a headline like this
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.