Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.