I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”