What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.