Sticker placement is key.
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue