so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
You Might Also Like
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I don’t know what to do
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.