Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
You sure about that?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA