PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
You Might Also Like
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Feels
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name