Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
#catsoftwitter
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.