“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.