HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.