Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
You Might Also Like
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?