We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Meeeee too!
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Pickled cat.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.