kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
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I love art.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.