Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…