[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.