Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
marvel comics have peaked
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…