Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
You Might Also Like
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
remember
only for emergencies
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break