the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.