Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
c’mon!
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.