We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
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RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.