“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
This week’s mood.