“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
saving face 👀
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.