Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
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*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
seems fine
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
When you kidnap a writer.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I will never stop laughing at this
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped