girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Breaking news:
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am