Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The fall of Netflix
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.