*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
You Might Also Like
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Would you wear it?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.