I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.