Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
this has to be peak English
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one