Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.