Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
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My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
excuse me
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.