This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.