The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
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What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
.. do you even science?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.