Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.