Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.