An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]