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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread