*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.