One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
never deleting this app.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?