me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Inside you there are two wolves
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed