Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The Joker was right
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES