Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
This cat wants you to take your pills
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.