It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.