I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Worth a try
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
lol
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.