At least he brought enough for everyone
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.