Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.