where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You Might Also Like
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.