Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
This kinda thing happens to me often
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*