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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))